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Good Lord, It's Cold

by William Fargason

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1.
First the sky: its pale night eyes, the city light like a sheet drawn tight over a fire fired into your eyes— the constant constant. It’s so nice, and you make me feel ten feet tall. Then it’s: Try this. Try this. You’ll like it. Then the taste: held my hand in your hand. I like it. I like it. Goddammit, I like it. A riverbed filled: I’m not surprised, still you make me feel ten feet tall.
2.
I will bury myself in you. I will bury my heart in you. I will bury my sins in you. I will bury myself in you no more. I will bury myself in you. I will bury my hope in you. I will bury my shame in you. I will bury myself in you no more.
3.
The second storm was coming ‘round like a fire escape you were bleeding out. I asked you to come inside. You asked me, “Why?” The last call heard me out to fill my cup like a fire found. Safest place above you now. Rain water filling up my mouth. But this is how these things play out. So, don’t let it get you down. Now, you built your own cross to bury what you’d lost. Your embers calmed me down— last words still ringing loud. As long as I’d known you, you were always falling through. But the trees were all below shaking like me, slow. But this is how these things play out. So, don’t let it get you down.
4.
Long Time 02:16
Now I gotta do what I came here to do. Your face dark, eyes I could look through. Nothing felt safe on the corner of here. My conscious gone, so far away from fear. Here is where I lay myself bare. Alone in my room, I’ll disappear. Now I gotta go down the only path I’ve known. It’s not the “straight and narrow,” and I’m sorry, you know. I tried it Your way, and it made me feel worse. Before I can come back, I gotta take care of me first. Here is where I lay myself bare. Alone in my room, I’ll disappear. It takes a long time to die alone. It takes too long to die alone. It takes a long time to die alone. It takes too long to die.
5.
Not Yet 02:37
When I awoke from my daydream, it had started snowing. I walked outside into the soft glow, watched twilight blur slow. Was this real, or in my head? I’m not sure yet. When I awoke from the snowstorm, I was standing in the ocean. The salty spray on my skin. The undertow begins. Was this real, or in my head? I’m not sure yet. When I sank underwater, I found myself back under the covers. She had left, her scent remained. I would never be the same. Was she real, or in my head? I’m not sure yet. No, not yet. Was this real, or in my head? I’m not sure yet. No, not yet.
6.
This Is How 02:16
This is how I met you: the back seat of your brother’s car, your dark hair, the leather. You were smoking— and I liked that. This is how I fell for you: the broken glass, my panic attacks. You held my hand. (It eased the pain.) But you said, “Get the hell out of the rain.” This is how I needed you: the dark spin unwinds again, screaming your name into my toilet, your voice on the receiver. This is how I met you: this is how I fell for you: this is how I needed you: this is how I lost you.
7.
Fault 01:51
So, I’m sick of my own shit that I can’t seem to be done with. It’s my own fault, my own fault, my own fault: all the sad poems that I can’t finish. So, I need to say, that as of today, I’m throwing you away. ‘Cause you were my favorite sin, but here is your end. Oh, no. I know. You can’t even admit that some of my flaws I inherit. Your own faults, your own faults, your own faults that you taught me to begin with. So, then you said, “Will, this, this is all in your head.” But it’s not this time, ‘cause our neuroses, well, they align. Oh, no. I know. Goddamn, it’s about time.
8.
It comes to me in threes: I saw your sweet vision between my knees. I tried to hold you there, for me. But as always, you slip, you slip from me. Oh, no, I can’t think that anymore. Then, like a tree, grows my disease. I’d sell it to you for next to nothing. I’d give it to you for almost anything. Then, the spiral in me, in me, in me. Oh, no, I can’t think that anymore.
9.
When I feel all away, I go to my past love. She says she likes my new haircut— it makes me look older. When I felt too close, I decided to run away. The safest thing I could’ve done was return to your face. And now it’s time to pack up, hit the road. But I don’t want to leave. Now I keep you a secret like a basket of rotting fruit. Your name on my tongue was too sweet for my taste. When I felt your hand, I withdrew again. It was all I'd learned to do. (I learned it from you.) And now it’s time to pack up, hit the road. But I don’t want to leave. This is your history book. I’ve changed all the dates. I made you the hero ‘cause, yeah, I needed that, too. I stayed at your new place (the one with the pretty curtains). The light flowed in like soft rain. I left before it took me, too. And now it’s time to pack up, hit the road. But I never wanted to leave.

credits

released September 30, 2012

All songs © 2012 Loud Poetry music, ASCAP.
All songs and lyrics written, performed, and recorded by William Fargason.
Cover photo by William Fargason.
All rights reserved.

These songs were recorded between March and September of 2012.

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William Fargason Sparks Glencoe, Maryland

I'm from Maryland.
I like to write. Sometimes I like to sing what I write. These are those sometimes.

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